White flag

When you wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing, like you are running as fast as you can towards something and nothing at the same time. When you stare out the window as the warm sun falls across your face and you think of me. When you finally stand toe to toe with the depths of darkness inside, forcing you to focus on more than the light. When you randomly remember something that I used to say. When my face is seen everywhere you turn while wandering through the corners of your own mind. When you ache for my words as you toss and turn but don’t know why. When you realize my intentions were purer than your own. When what I knew all along washes over you like a wave you could not have seen coming. When you finally grasp that unconditional love is harder than you think, although I make it look easy. Please know that the love is still there – it always will be… but you no longer have the privilege of my energy.

The entirety of your being will beg you to reach for me. You will contemplate how to construct an apology more times than you ever thought possible. It is not required. Keep it to yourself. That is not mine to carry. Just. Don’t.

The table was never ours to turn. The scales were balanced the entire time, I just have more experience carrying the duality of its weight. White flag. You’ll be okay.