Loving the ugly parts.

While writing this I will not be using any words that take ownership of certain things in the present tense. I have spent an unimaginable amount of grueling gritty work to get to where I am today. To a place where I have accepted and integrated all of me. At old enough years old for the 1st time in my life I know what safe feels like. Honestly that last sentence is so profound for me that the rest of these words pale in comparison. Do you know how strange it is to feel something you have always reached for but could never grasp? Until you can… and once you have it you realize not even your wildest dreams compare to the real essence of it. It took a solid 5 months for me to recalibrate navigating daily life with this new feeling. I have had several moments where despite my best attempts I slide back into what it felt like before knowing what safe is, and I extend compassion and grace towards the deepest parts of me on those days. This has not been a passive process by any means. It was (and always will be) purposeful and require daily – sometimes minute to minute – conscious choices to learn and implement new thought patterns, somatic exercises, breathing techniques, gratitude, tapping … the list goes on and on. I would say I have acquired many tools in my toolbelt but at this point it’s more like an entire snap-on warehouse.  Neuroplasticity is a beautiful thing, and so is honoring what your body is telling you – so you can stay ahead of the curve. Not ignoring the 1st signs of an oncoming panic attack – stopping and using the tools and being proactive by staying centered, even during chaos, is essential. Doing the work means doing it in all areas of life – not just the ones you think may be affected. Part of what that looked like for me was leaving the bedside for a role in education as a nurse. You cannot rewire your nervous system when / if part of your job requires situations that flood the body with hormones like adrenaline in the case of medical emergencies. Now that I have a better handle on internal regulation returning to the bedside could be a potential possibility in the future – but I am not in a rush. Old habits die hard and somedays I am still learning how to dial down the hypervigilance. With all that being said it is important to give credit where credit is due. I have done immense amounts of internal and external work for many years, but I was lacking one thing, that I did not even know was the missing puzzle piece. Connection. Despite all the other, which was every area, of my life that I stood toe to toe with… I repelled connection with another human being like it was the plague. Sure, I have friends and a few family members, but I always kept a barrier up. Although the connection has run its course, by allowing it, all my hard work fell into place. It all clicked. The missing link had been latched. Does that person get all the credit? Hell no… they didn’t put that work in I did … but they do get credit for being a truly safe person with one of the most beautiful hearts I will ever have the privilege of encountering.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is a fucking beast. Do not let the beast win. Will I square up with it again? I am sure I will – this may be a lifetime effort, but I have come to find beauty in my beast. If you are still reading this, I hope you find the beauty in yours and you give yourself grace and compassion, even when it’s hard… and I hope you allow yourself to do what you are most afraid of someday because it is worth it. Connect.