Little People Big Hearts

It’s Sunday afternoon and despite my best attempts my thoughts seem tired. My heart is a little heavy and my light not as bounding as I go through the day. Still productive, still showing up but noticeably a bit less “me” than usual. There's no wit or charm flowing with ease, compassion isn’t pulsing through me. Just blah-ish. My mind is clear – almost too clear and still. It is quite a conflicting experience to be honest. My consciousness knows that unconditional love is unending, but my physical vessel has an emotional ache that no logic could ever ease. I cannot learn and dissect this away by studying psychology, human behavior, or grief. There is no meditation or spiritual expansion that can remedy such a perplexing sensation. All my usual tips and tools have been deployed without success. I hesitate to even label this as an emotion because it is not one that I have known before. The part of personal and spiritual growth that isn’t talked about often is kind of this weird crossroad that I find myself at today. Words fail to explain it really but if you have been here, you will understand the intersection that I am currently occupying.

My girls can tell – and my oldest remembers that today is the first anniversary of my sweetest boy crossing the rainbow bridge. She caught me sitting in my room with a distant blank stare between washing and folding laundry. She went and got her sister and they both climbed up next to me. Her sister is inpatient like their mother and squirmed and giggled and asked her if they could go back to playing… “Not yet. Not until mommy's heart is beeping like normal again.” There was so much love in that moment that tears instantly filled my eyes – the good kind. “Almost baby. It's almost back.” I said, soaking in the moment for another minute or two. Once she could tell my light was starting to shine a bit more, she ran off to play … not even knowing all she had done - without hesitation and with so much ease - as if showing up and sharing her light with mine was as natural to her as existing.