It's okay to be Human.

Yesterday my sister joined my father and I for lunch. I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal but I never in my life thought I would be having lunch with them together. My little sister is not my father’s biological child. She is my mom and Dad's biological daughter. Dads only biological child.

(Notice how I did not use the word half-sister or stepdad once? Yea that’s intentional. We do not do halves. There is no less love placed into or removed from any of the titles I use when referring to my family)

She came into my room and asked if we could stop by Dad’s grave and put some flowers out for him yesterday. I told her I was going to lunch with my father and had to stop at his house before we went. She said she was okay with that. I told my father she was joining us, and he was happy to have her. A few months ago, my sister and I were talking after she moved in with me about how my father would be around, and it is not negotiable. She said, “I know I never liked him and that wasn’t fair, but I also know you wouldn’t let anyone around me who isn’t good or safe”. They have both been welcoming and accepting of each other and that makes my heart happy. I even have a photo of my father holding my dad’s grandson.

Proof that Love can change the world if you let it.

We picked up our mom on the way to put out flowers for Dad. I have talked to my mom more recently, although I do still do so with distance and boundaries in place for now. I can tell that olive branch holds her up some days. Yesterday was mom and dad's wedding anniversary and although my sister reluctantly agreed to have mom come along, she still agreed to it. Seeing my little sister be the bigger person as life humbles her is both beautiful and painful to watch.

This weekend has been rough for a few reasons. My kids threw a fit about following rules and wanted to stay by their dads. Since my time and parental input is often dismissed by him, he allowed this thinking I would then stay at his house with them. Our children are not pawns. I do not have it in me to play pretend house. I am not an idiot. My relationship with my children (and his) has absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with him and I. He cannot grasp this yet. I am not talking poorly about him, he is a good man and a good dad, he just is not the man for me and that is okay.

None the less not having my babies here does hurt my heart even if it is only for a few days.

It also goes without saying that Father’s Day is difficult in some ways also.

So, if I am being completely honest, I isolated in my room and shut out the world from the time we got home from dads grave yesterday until this afternoon. I finally came out when I ordered Chinese food because I was hungry and my back hurt from being a slug and not moving. It’s okay to have hard days. We are all human.

My sister went to work for the night, the baby went to our other sisters, and the kids are with their dad.

I do love the sound of silence but on days like today if it’s too quiet and I am too still I can still hear the sound of my knees hitting that ICU floor back in 2020. I can still hear the sound of me screaming for help on top of my lungs while he covered my mouth and said, “Shut up Bitch you don’t scream in my house”. The 26th will be 8 years since that night.

I am not a walking side effect of trauma. I have come further than I can explain, and I do not plan on stopping. This is real life, and it does not do anyone good to pretend like hard shit doesn’t happen.

Life will knock you on your ass no matter who you are, no one makes it out of this without a few battle scars. What matters is that we keep getting back up AND that we do not let the dark days cast a shadow so vast that we forget how beautiful the light is.

The flowers remind us why the rain is necessary.

TLJ: The adorable pink Bluetooth mouse I got for my laptop. Chinese food. Being human.