I Love Me More.

Next month will be one whole year since I moved out and left our marriage. I know I never had to prove to you that I could do anything independently but as you can see I can. I think you thought I would fall on my face and come running home to you. I didn’t. You have seen some hard truths in the past year that you would never have been able to understand unless I allowed you to experience them.

I know you are struggling to find your own way and I think that breaks my heart more than anything. You still have hope that we will make things work eventually. Life has taught me not to rule almost anything out so I will say that it is highly highly unlikely, but I won’t label it as impossible. When I left, I told you I hoped you would catch up and I will always want that for you. You are a good man and a good father and even if we didn’t work out, I will always love and respect you.

You want to know how to make “us” work.

You can’t.

You must put in the “you” work first.

If you do the work… and trust me it's hard and its ugly and it never ends… maybe, you will find that my heart isn’t the one for you.

Certainly, you will find that your heart is enough on its own.

I need you to know that… and to be honest it’s irresponsible to even try to share your life with someone else until you do. I am not perfect, I am still a work in progress and that comes with good days and bad days, but even on the worst days I know my heart is whole on its own and I can find joy.

We haven’t talked in a year unless it was about the kids. Did a part of me want you to figure shit out and put in the work so that we could possibly sort “us” out, absolutely. However, that is not the reality.

The blame game solves nothing but clearly, I didn’t decide to leave because we were frolicking in a field of flowers. It also bewilders me that you insist you want to make it work yet you have honestly only reinforced my rational for leaving in the first place on a consistent basis over the past 12 months.

The only advice I can offer is the same advice I gave you a long time ago. You don’t have to take the advice but the humility of entertaining the idea that I just might be right would serve you well.

Get to know gratitude.

Intimately build a relationship with it.

I do not care if you do not understand it now or if you think it is “dumb”. Rome was not built in a day and if you are starting with absolutely nothing else that is a good place to begin.

Try taking the plastic off the extremely simple – literally made for a man’s brain – gratitude journal the kids got you last year for Christmas.

Do it daily without fail. (twice a day is better, but something is better than nothing).

I have to keep going but I hope to see you get started even if you don’t catch up. My life continues even if you are not a part of it. You are worth the hard work, and I truly want you to find your own light, but even if you don’t – I will always love you – but I love me more.