Here. Hold this Olive Branch.

I didn’t see my mother for Mother’s Day. I had unplanned oral surgery and the blood dripping down my throat reminded me of the time she broke my face for saying “I don’t know” – over share – I know.

I have been my mother’s mother for as long as I can remember. I pick up her slack and then some. Listen I know I am not perfect either, so I do not expect her to be perfect by any means. She has taught me several valuable life lessons and I know that even if she is not able to show it in many ways, she does love me. She’s an alcoholic and as a nurse I understand that alcoholism is a disease. That does not excuse every bad thing she has ever done or diminish every good thing either.

Today my uncle had his kidney removed. Overall, the prognosis is shit. This statement is not relevant to the topic but whatever.

The other day I went to dinner with the kids and their Dad. He asked what was wrong and I truly did want to yell “Probably the fact that you were supposed to love me even when it was hard – but you kicked me while I was down and then played the victim. Probably not understanding why the fuck I didn’t deserve the same love you got from me since I was 17… and probably the fact that you say you want to fix things, but we haven’t spoken in 6 months” …. but I just said nothing and talked to the kids about bug bites or something.

I made a new friend I thought but it turns out I didn’t. I thought someone was interested in me as an actual human, but it turns out they were interested in something I’m not willing to throw around like confetti.

Anyways. Here is the point to this entire ramble: just because other people do not do the best things sometimes (I am also guilty of this) does not mean they do not deserve forgiveness and grace. I can forgive and give grace without being the sacrificial lamb. I cannot hold them accountable for not doing better if they did not know how to. Maybe they did the best they could with what they knew at the time. So, I left my mother a voicemail. I told her we have a lot of work to do but I hope we can work towards finding our way back to each other. I told her she isn’t alone, and I do love her.

Being bitter will never make things better.

TLJ: I ran into one of my old students and he is doing great. He has come a long way. Seeing the pride in his face today was beautiful.