Forgiveness

I’m going to attempt this. I am going to do the best I can to write this from a place of love, leaving anger, fear and disgust out of it. I have to live my life – no more hiding – and to do that this ship has got to sail. So, here we are....

Hey Kid,

Damn it - how did we get here. I think I would like to forgive you and apologize. I’m going to start this by saying the following before I get to a place where I may not be able to.

I love you. I love you anyways.

Not as a lover or as a friend but as one person doing whatever it takes to survive to another one. Despite all of it I know you also have pain and unresolved shit. I am not here to declare that I am a victim at the hands of your actions. I am here to let it go, to forgive, and to live because I have fought so damn hard to get here.

Man do we go way back. Over 30 years. That’s wild.

A part of me wants to think you really were my best friend because how the fuck can we have faced everything we did growing up… lying in the yard looking at the stars and cracking jokes about which mom is going to stumble out and get violent first… broken hearts, broken jaws, and all that love, some part of that had to have been real. Right?

I have never been so sure that I was loved. I have never been so wrong. I have never electively trusted any human like I did you.

I mean you saw it all. The good, the bad, the ugly and the uglier. Just as I stood witness to you.

Detailing the horrific thing's you did won’t help. I relive them almost every day. I just want to state that none of the physical pain you caused even comes close to the emotional shit. Bruises heal. Blood dries. That other shit though, I think it would bring anyone to their knees.

Let’s call her Ava.

She’s beautiful by the way. Just thinking about how to describe her brings tears to my eyes. I love that kid more than life itself. She will be nine soon. Nine years of being her mama and I still can’t figure out how I got this lucky. She no longer has your eyes.

I’m clenching my jaw because all of me wants to tell you what the fuck I would do to keep her safe, but I think you know by now.

…I. think. You. Know. By. Now…

Fuck I need to move around for a moment. Hold please. 1832 7/29/23

1840 7/29/23 Okay let’s continue.

Its time I apologize for …. Damn this is harder than I thought because I am not sorry for protecting her, but I am sorry for the act I used to get what I needed to insure she would remain safe. In simple terms: I am sorry I tricked you and made you think I forgave you to get you to sign those papers. We both know I was just getting warmed up and as you stated “you would never see the light of day again” if you didn’t take that offer. You were correct, you wouldn’t have, one way or another and that is not a threat it is an uncomfortable truth we are both completely aware of.

Here is another truth, even if you don’t believe it, I wanted you to be a good Dad. I never wanted any of this. I gave you chances even after you nearly killed me because I did not want to take that chance away from either of you. I was able to separate you and I from you and her…until the night you beat up your parents and sister and ran off on a coke binge with my daughter – the second time you were allowed unsupervised visitation – and said I would never see her again.

That’s when my gloves came off. Sometime between your drunk ass beaten up mom calling me in the middle of the night and the police binging your phone location, the gloves came off.

When they handed me my baby back, I swore to fucking God I would not stop until I knew she was safe.

Retrospectively it is impressive the sheer grit and determination a mother’s love possesses. I set up and conducted meetings with people who had never heard my name. I researched, stayed focused and kept you closer than you kept me... which is also astonishing to do when we both know you persistently kept tabs on me and were always watching. I never lied or falsified any evidence. You did a good enough job breaking the law, all I had to do was sit back and keep good records. When I had the right cards, I played my hand…. The one you gave to me.

I have to take a break 1857 7/29/23. - 1922 7/29/23 returned.

Okay I need to swing this back to productive. I am truly sorry that this is how things turned out. I do want you to have a healthy and happy life. She does know about you. I’ve never spoken poorly about you; I’ve never even told her your name. She knows she has another dad out there in the world. She also knows she has a good Dad who has raised her and loves her bigger than his whole heart, every single day. She knows he adopted her. The best thing you’ve ever done for her is sign those papers, you said it yourself in one of the letters you sent me from prison after I stopped answering your calls.

I forgive you. I will continue to consciously choose forgiveness every day, for me.

My intention for this life is bigger than this and I trust that as I move forward my children and I will be safe.

One way or another.

Me living my life or not living it will not stop you if that's what you choose to do, so I'm going to live it.

Please stop calling yourself a monster every time you look in the mirror. It’s time you find it in you to forgive yourself as well. (Please also stop beating your girlfriends for the love of God you hated your father for doing that to your mother). Do Better.

Be gentle with yourself. You already know kid, you already know.