Don't run from it. Run to it.

This week has been a lot in a lot of different ways. Accountability is important and I do admit I was not my best self at every moment, and if you experienced any part of that in any way I sincerely apologize. It takes a lot for me to get to a place of experiencing real anger, it is rare for me to allow myself to become that “off balance” but no one is perfect, and a part of learning is falling occasionally. The energy has been thick and heavy, like crushing while combusting. Last night I could feel myself metaphorically teeter tottering – my center was not centered. This morning, I woke up and tried to be proactive energetically, but I could tell I was not truly present. I went about my day and did all the things my day consisted of – it was productive. By late afternoon I felt ill … physically ill. My body hurt, my stomach was upset, headache, nausea etc. – I considered taking a covid test, ordered my groceries, wore a mask and kept to myself as much as possible while still showing up and doing what needed to get done. Around 1830 my groceries were delivered. By this point I thought I might spontaneously combust – energetically uncomfortable is an understatement. I put away the groceries. Drank ginger ale and ate some cucumbers. I could not sit still so I ate while walking around my house. Worse. Fuck I did all the things … What should I do? How do I fix this? – make it stop. I wanted to numb it. I wanted to run from it. I wanted to hide and scream and fight and cry and make it go away. I mentally flipped through a dozen or more ways to immediately take the pressure off. None of which were good tools for the job. Instead of running from it I decided to run to it. Literally. I put on my work out shoes, an ear bud in my left ear on low with my meditation music, shoulders back, head up and less than my best energetic hygiene as I flew out the door. The body knows so I listened and took the trail to the beach. I could feel myself getting lighter as I got closer to the water. Slowed down. Sat (and laid) on the sand by the waves with what I wanted to run from – accepted it – thanked it – let it go.

Listen … if you have been doing this stuff for decades, I am sure you would not have allowed yourself the energetic stumble I experienced – but it happens, and that’s okay. Where I come from and what I learned growing up in the world I lived in … numbing it with alcohol, drugs, violence, distraction, or superficial connections is considered okay and normal. I am proud of me for doing better in a moment when doing almost anything else would have been easier.